What Help is Helpful?
I offered my help to a friend the other day who has been going through a lot with family members in the hospital and changes in her family situation. She thanked me for the offer, and that was the end of it. This interaction got me thinking about how many times I have offered help, but have not been taken up on it. I, then, started thinking about how many times I have been offered help and have not accepted it.
New moms, especially, struggle with the idea of accepting help, and after talking with a lot of moms about their challenges postpartum, I found a common thread in that many new moms do not know what help to ask for. They have support from friends and family, but there is an inability to tap into what help would actually be helpful.
Reflecting on this, it absolutely makes sense. First off, new mothers are tired and taxed, so trying to delegate isn’t the first thing that comes to mind. They want help - believe me - but they don’t have the resources to know what is needed.
Also, as one mother told me, “There was pressure to suck it up as you were supposed to be happy right now.” To her, this meant, she didn’t complain or ask for help from others as she was worried this would make her look weak and be a burden to others.
I want to address this pressure to suck it up as this is NOT how we are meant to live. The saying, it takes a village, exists for a reason as it truly does take a village to care for ourselves and the new life that we just grew and birthed from our incredible bodies. As new mothers, we are not meant to care for a baby, ourselves, and our homes by ourselves. We need to shift this crazy notion, and the first key to this shift is to reach out to our community as new moms and have our community step in with what may truly be helpful help.
Moms I spoke with that reflected upon their first few months postpartum had the following advice:
Listen to your instincts
Trust your body. It’s amazing!
Don’t let people who aren’t there to support you in the way you need be there (be your own advocate as this is your time with your baby and your time to heal).
Rest as much as possible - let all the other crap wait.
It’s okay to do things for YOU
Do what makes YOU happy with YOUR baby
Find your community
Don’t be afraid to share your experience, as you will find you are not alone, especially in your struggles
If you have a partner, let them help. They will do things differently, but that is okay. It is giving baby another point of exposure and your way is not the only right way.
For those looking to support new mothers, here is the advice from moms:
Ask mom what she really wants or needs
Try to help with things other than the baby (cook, clean, bring in meals and drinks, get groceries, help with other children in the house, help with pets)
Talk to mom - ask her how she is and let her know that whatever she feels is alright
Tell stories that let mom know she is not alone (especially ones that will make her laugh)
Help mom find good positions for nursing or co-sleeping if you are co-sleeping
Help mom set up her own area to relax and feel good with her baby or by herself (accessible water, snacks, pillows, blankets, reading materials, a tablet, and a pen and journal are items that are helpful to have nearby)
Ask mom if she wants help changing, bathing, holding or feeding baby
Ask mom if she wants to sleep or shower while you care for baby
Give mom foot rubs or massages if those feel good to her
Together, we can be the village for moms and support them in a way they need. Asking for and receiving help should not be a stress point, it is a necessity not an indulgence, especially for new mothers.
Danielle Hughes is the Founder of Mothering Life and a mother of two. She is an INNATE Postpartum Care practitioner and provides information and resources to expectant and new mothers, so motherhood can be the celebration that it is meant to be.